As the world becomes a less safe place, we should all be aware of their activities and involved with our kids. We should check in with them. We should have access to their phones whenever we want. We should know their friends, teachers, and what they are doing. But at some point in their lives, they are going to have to make decisions for themselves without you. Prepare them for this. They need to be able to fail and make mistakes, knowing that you have made your home a safe place that they can return to and thrive in – no matter what. During the years we have them at home, we want to instruct them and show them God’s ways, but not hover over them and do life for them. If we do, then when they become adults they will either live with no boundaries at all or be adults incapable of critical thinking and decision making because we have always been there to do it for them.
Style #2: The Lawnmower Parent
This is also a style of parenting that is far too overinvolved, but instead of hovering over them like a helicopter, these parents go before them and mow down everything in their path so they will not face any obstacles or resistance. The problem is that in life they will face problems. They will find themselves in the jungle and will trip and fall. We can’t take away all their problems, and they need to learn how to solve problems and climb hurdles when they are young so they can do it as adults. If you want to see a spoiled and entitled adult, then remove any resistance and problems from their path while they are growing up. They will end up feeling like the world owes them a smooth path, and they will not know how to problem-solve. Their future bosses are not their parents. Make your children employable and teach them to thrive by training them, not hovering over them or removing all their problems so they never have to face anything difficult.
Style #3: The ‘Spin the Top’ Parent
This is the extreme opposite of the two styles listed above. When you spin a top, it just goes on spinning and bumping into things with no rhyme or reason until it stops and falls down. This is like a completely uninvolved parent. They just let their kids do whatever they want with no supervision, accountability, or involvement. I’ve seen these kids at sporting events or music concerts when you never meet their parents because they are never there. Not because they can’t be there. They just don’t want to be there or don’t see the need. Kids need our encouragement and they need to know they are supported and loved. God never designed them to be out on their own until they are ready. All kids need to know somebody believes in them! That will help them be all they can be and all that God designed them to be. Lou Holtz is a football coach who found tremendous success at every college where he coached. When asked how he was so successful getting the most out of his players he said, “Sometimes all a kid needs is to have someone believe in them.”
Maybe you feel like you want to be more involved, but your schedule makes it tough. Even if you can’t be with them in activities, you can touch base later about them. Ask them how it went. Ask them what their favorite part was, and their worst, or scariest part. Let them know that your heart is with them, even if you can’t be. Let them know you believe in them.
So what is the best style of parenting?
That’s a complex answer, but to put it in one word I would say “Balance”. It’s okay to be a coach, or on the PTA. It’s okay to remove Legos from the floor when they are learning to walk. It’s okay to let them loose and experience the good and bad in life. But again, we are training them to be the person God made them to be, not doing it for them and not letting them figure out life on their own. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you wisdom and discernment moment by moment so you will know what to do, when to step in, and when to turn them loose.
Balance is the goal.
Also, each child is different. With one child you may need to be more involved, and with another child you may realize that they need to (and are ready to) experience life on their own sooner than others. Never stop checking in with them, but also never stop holding them accountable to God’s standards.
The Bible says “Train up a child in the way he (or she…) should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6 NKJV). This doesn’t just mean “Tell them about Jesus and when they are old they won’t forget about Him”. This also tells us to train our children and show them the path God calls them to walk. They need to learn it from us and do it themselves. When they know this path and experience God’s voice and heart for themselves, then they will know it and know how to stay on it. They won’t depart from it. This only happens when we are in God’s word and we know the path (God’s heart, God’s standards, God’s commands). The best way to train them is to show them by doing it ourselves.
The things of God are best ‘caught’ and not just ‘taught’.
Pray for your kids. Regularly. Ask God to guide them and intervene when necessary. I will say it again – God loves them even more than you! He has the perfect plan in mind for them. Show them how to walk in it!
God Bless!
